*Note: This is a really good post (in my opinion) read and enjoy, please leave comments

Just My Luck
Boredom has hit me like a baseball in the back of the head. I did pretty much nothing today because Dynamite Recording Studio canceled on me again (I don’t think I will work with them again…even if it is cheap. the guy said he was sick and rescheduled me again….I should not pay them their full fees If I have to deal with this crap.

Physically fit
I feel tired but got have no right to it. I think a lack of activity just leads to more lack. I still have no idea how people motivate themselves to go run, or lift weights. If I started running, I would make it a few blocks and then end up walking. Do not be pursuaded into thinking that since I am skinny, that I am physically fit. Sure I can hike for miles upon miles with lots of weight on my back for days and not feel any negative effects from it. But when it comes to cardiovascular of muscular ability, I am pretty much the bottom of the barrel. I want my own personal trainer to make up a regiment of excercises that are specifically tailored to me and my desire to be able to hike faster, longer, carry more weight and look good while doing it. They could shout encouragement at me as I worked my leg-oids, and my tri-ceritops. I would pay them in thankfulness and that is all. I don’t feel comfortable going to the gym alone and being around people who actually know what they are doing. I don’t need to be able to bench a bunch of weight to feel good. I just want to be able to carry a 90lb pack and hike up a mountain with it. I just need a buddy who will help me and not make me feel like a loser in the process.

Money Makes the World go Round
Waiting on jobs sucks, I really hope I get called…I want this cooking position really bad! I also want to be able to have some cash in my bank account. It is not a good sign when your car’s “Service Engine Soon” light blinks on and you avoid bringing it in because you might not be able to lose the cash. Of course the only way to make more cash is to get to work in a functioning vehicle. Oh the bitter cycle of money and need. One of my coworkers at Beaner’s tried to convince me that money leads to happiness. I only gave in that it leads to financial security not happiness. Sure I would love to not have to worry about covering expenses and be able to buy what I want. But that doesn’t mean that my relationships are going to be great, that my self esteem will be improved or that even having all the things I want is good! I would rather be poor and satisfied than rich and full of worry.

Activity Avoided
I am also convinced that it takes a lot of energy for people to break out of their habits and start something new. I am an example as is most everyone I know. Be it from fear, unwillingness to put forth extra energy, or just being oblivious, people don’t try new things. I thought to my self today, “Why hasn’t anyone called me yet this summer to hang out?” my only response was that they were unwilling to change their routine. and I fell into the same category as all the people that I am disgruntled about. I wake up, go to school and check my e-mail maybe apply for a job, maybe work at Beaners, but don’t call anyone because I might get turned down, I don’t really want to go look up their number, I might just watch a movie, etc, etc. But the problem is that I would rather sit and pout about not having anything to do, watching Ellen and eating mini-corn-dogs on my couch that still smells a bit like cat urine while my own cat attempts to eat off my plate, than see what someone else is doing today. I also fall into this whole self-deprecating thought process that looks something like this: “Why would they want to hang out with me anyway…they probably have better things to do than sit around with me, aww heck I am better off sitting her alone anyway.” So I sort through every issue of backpacker magazine that I have recieved for the past 4 years, separating out every interesting or useful article and grouping them by topic. I carve a walking stick, or try to write songs. I avoid human contact but want it all the more.

Motivation
It all comes back down to motivation, motivation to start running, call that friend you haven’t talked to in a really long time, meet new people. My biggest problem in all aspects of my life is that I lack the knowledge on how to get motivated. I am torn in two, one side says I should better myself and get motivated, the other is just a lazy ass that usually wins out. I want to eliminate the conflicting forces within me and form them into a being that wants to make others happy, better myself, improve my relationships here on earth as well up above. How does one silence the idle side and embrace the active?